Dating in 2011: Etc. etc.

To Jersey101Summatime, Thank you for the email telling me how hot you think I am. I have to admit that I did not even read your profile before deleting your message. Why would I need to after seeing your two profile photos that highlighted you and your guns? I am not complimenting your massive biceps, though they were impressive in your tight t-shirt, I am referring to the literal gun you are brandishing in your photo. That is a first, and hopefully it will be the last. I am dying to know if you score any chicks with that ploy. Oh, and the other photos that showed your artistic side? You know the ones—three photos of a Heineken bottle shot at different angles and with different filters—nice choice. I am still amused, and confused as to what about my profile screamed “girl itching for a beer guzzling, gun toting musclehead”. I mean, come on!! Who posts a picture of themselves holding a cocked weapon??!
To the Comic Nerd that Stood me Up last Saturday night, I am disappointed. And maybe it doesn't count as being “stood up”, since you took the time to send me multiple messages with various excuses as to why you were running first ten, then fifteen, then twenty-five minutes late, but if this were twenty years ago, before cell phones took over, it would totally qualify. You are lucky I was playing Words With Friends instead of sitting there, twiddling my thumbs.
To the King of the Land of Mixed Messages, Way to keep me on my toes. Some people would probably say the universe is telling me to employ some patience, to let go of control, to accept that not everyone thinks I am the cat's pajamas. My reply is that yes, that is a possibility, but more likely I am just dealing with a guy that doesn't know what the eff he wants.
To the 55 year old man with the gaudy onyx ring, Never gonna happen.
To the boy that texted my rainbow buddy, I am still blown away that you would call her a “dirty tease” days before you'd even met her. A dirty tease? Your face is a dirty tease. Didn't your mama tell you how to woo a lady?
To the man with the accent, Thanks for making me smile even more than usual.